


Reasons to Live

by YamaguchisCowlick



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Cancer, Depression, Fluff, M/M, Slow Build, Swearing, Will add more tags when needed, im a smol child dont hurt me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-22
Updated: 2016-03-28
Packaged: 2018-05-08 08:44:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 10,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5490962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YamaguchisCowlick/pseuds/YamaguchisCowlick
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tsukishima Kei is depressed. Yes, that silent killer that roams through your head and snaps at the most sudden thing. With piled on stress, anxiety, family issues, and teenage hormones (plus a dying best friend who is the only thing worth living for), he found that it's quite normal to feel this way.</p><p>With his best friend’s slowly starting to drift away and a volleyball tournament on its way, they kind it a bit difficult to be positive it such a shitty situation.</p><p>Until he met Yamaguchi Tadashi.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Notes: Well, this is new. This is my first book on AO3 and it’s strange. It’s different being on a completely new writing website. I hope you all enjoy this book. It was kinda inspired after a recent friend of mine and I hope they’re reading this (since they say they would support me no matter what) Let’s get onto the story?

Kei breathes in the smell of disinfectant (or old people). He rests in the waiting room, tapping his leg nervously on the white floor. He knows he’s annoying everyone there, but he can’t help but be snarky at anyone who enters his path.

“Well fuck you for giving me that side eye. I know you were probably thinking ‘this fucking asshole’ but I honestly don’t care. How would you feel if you best friend was pulled suddenly in critical care? I bet you would bow down to me if you heard my shitty story. Nobody---“

His train of nonstop insults halted when he felt a presence by him. 

“Tsukishima? You can see you friend now.” The nurse says in a soft voice, trailing with sorrow. Kei nods, standing up and probably seeming like a mountain to the petite woman.

They walk down the never heading hallway, Kei’s stomach bubbling with anxiety as they head further and further down.

‘And now we turn left’ Kei thinks, turning the corner and ending up in another never ending hallway. Kei has come to this hospital so many times, he knows everything about it.  
He knows that the nurse that’s leading him had a baby only three months ago. I wonder how she’s doing. He knows that there are always a bunch of flowers in front of the room next to his beloved friend. The flowers were Daffodils, meaning rebirth, new beginnings, enteral life, and unrequired love. He always thought that was strange, but who knows.

“Here you go sweetie!” The nurse cheers, opening the door for him and shutting it silently as she leaves. Kei rolls his eyes, obviously more pissed off than usual. 

“Well, nice seeing you too.” A raspy voice chuckles.

“Hey Kuroo.”

“Tsukki.” With a gentle smile, he pats the armrest of the chair next to him.

“Sit down will you?”

 

They sit in a still silence. The only thing interrupting the silence is footsteps and carts rolling down that never ending hallway.

“How is your condition?” Kei finally breaks the silence, a nervous shake in his voice. He was already starting to break. ‘No, it’s too early for that.’ He repeatedly pounded this into his head, yet Kuroo’s hand brought him back from overthinking.

“Same as it always was.” He gives a short snicker, his nose wrinkling as he does.

“Yeah, well you’re in the ER because of it.” Kei monotones, slapping his hand away. ‘Don’t touch me!’ Kei wants to scream, but he bites his tongue. He hated the feeling of Kuroo’s freezing hands ghosting upon him.

Kuroo simply huffs and turns away from Kei. “The cancer. It formed a new tumor.”

“How the fuck does that even happen?”

“I don’t know pretty boy; you went to school longer than I have.”

The light flowing conversation stops.

“How’s Nekoma doing?”

Ah yes, Kuroo’s dream school. He always wanted to play volleyball there. When Kuroo was decently okay, he would overwork himself, practicing his receives all night until Kei came to tell to yell at him to sleep (his mother would call, a clear strain in her voice). Kei took it upon himself to save Kuroo, just how Kuroo saved Kei.

“Great, we’re having a practice match with them soon.” Kei replies back, staring at the wall behind Kuroo.

Silence engulfs them once more.

This makes Kei’s mind wander off in so many directions.

‘You’re not telling me something. You never tell me anything. From the time we were young, you never told me anything. I didn’t hear about your fucking cancer until you were almost dead and I was crying my eyes out at school because you never think about me. You aren’t fine. Just tell me and stop with all the lies!’

“Tsukki, just leave and go home. You’re obviously feeling super uncomfortable in here.” Kuroo looks up at Kei, rubbing the back of his head.

“No I don’t— “

“It’s fine.”

‘No it’s not. What if you disappear from my fingertips right here? I won’t be able to say how much you mean to me and how much you’ve saved me from the depths of Hell. I’m just trying to gather up the words I want to say— Please don’t leave me.’

A nurse in dark blue scrubs walks in, rolling a cart full of needles and other medicine Kuroo is forced to take every morning, afternoon, and night.

“Hi Tsukishima! Would you mind stepping for a bit? Kuroo just needs to take his evening medicine.” She smiles, a sickening smile gusting over her face. 

‘It’s fake, she hates me. Everyone hates me, I’m a burden to all— ‘

“—just going. Right Tsukishima?”

Kei nods, clearly acting like he was paying attention.

“Well, all right! Don’t forget to sign out of the hospital.”

Kei nods a farewell to both the nurse and Kuroo.

“Bye bye!” Kuroo grins and the nurse walks over with syringes.

Kei closes the door before he has to see anymore and he walks the lonely never ending hallway once more. He signs out, and he can feel himself shake as he walks out of the hospital. The first reason is that his best friend is dying and he may have just ruined the only relationship he managed to for over four years. The second and last reason is that his brain is starting to play mindgames with him.

He sighs heavily, and continues on his way home. Maybe he’ll buy Kuroo flowers on the way and bring it to him the next day. Kuroo would smirk and say, ‘Aw, you care about me.’ 

Kei would give him a punch on the shoulder and they would continue living the way they had lived since they were young and they had no worries in the world.

Sadly, the world is the devil’s toy box to fuck around with until he gets bored with it.

Oh, how cruel the world was to a poor soul.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In where Kei meets a boy he doesn't quite understand, but he will make one of the biggest impacts on him in his whole entire life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry almost Christmas everyone! How is everyone going to be celebrating their Christmas this year? My family is just going to open gifts and then do whatever the hell anyone wants to do. Hope you all enjoy your Christmas! As for a Christmas gift, here is mine to you. Thank you all for reading/supporting my book. It means so much to me, words can't explain my gratitude. Now onto the story!

Bump.

Squeak.

Jump.

Smack.

Yelling.

Kei wipes the back of his neck, huffing heavily as he watches the two idiots practice that “weirdo quick.” The smell of B.O covers the gym and Kei shivers in disgust. He takes a sip of his water until the team’s captain calls them over.

“All right everyone! We’re going to be practicing receiving for a bit since a few of our first years can’t do anything when a spike is smacked down to them.”

Kei looks away, focusing on anything else but than that direct attack towards him. Everyone grabs a partner and Kei is left to stand by himself.

“I better see you practicing with someone Tsukishima! Or I’ll make you run five laps around the school.”

Kei glares at his captain, and he looks around his environment. The only boy left is a tall (yet shorter than him) freckled kid. He seems to be super tired, seeing the bags under his eyes. Kei ponders on what his name was, until a light bulb turned on.

‘Ah yes, Yamaguchi. That was his name.’

The freckled boy moves around uncomfortably, shuffling almost every second. He had a muddy green hair color, and his cowlick looked like an antenna.

Kei secretly snickers to himself because of that. 

‘I wonder if it picks up signals also.’

Kei has to turn around for that one and snicker to himself once more.

“TSUKISHIMA, GET MOVING YOU FUCKING PIECE OF TRASH.”

Kei sighs dramatically and walks over to the freckled boy. The boy wasn’t clearly expecting Kei to walk up to him, therefore he let out a little squeak and bounced back once he noticed his presence. He regained his form quickly, bowing in a perfect 90-degree angle.

“S-Sorry Tsukishima! I didn’t mean to do anything to may have offend you! Oh God, I’m so stupid— “

“It’s fine.” Kei cuts him off quickly. “Now could we please practice together? I don’t feel like getting yelled at by Daichi again.”

“Oh! Of c-course! I’m sor— “

“You apologize too much.”

Yamaguchi keeps his mouth shut at that.

Kei rolls his eyes and moves to the corner of the gym. The walls are getting picked at and it’s starting to show an ugly color Kei can’t even describe. Nail marks cover the painted wall and Kei wants to run his hand over it, just to see how it feels.

He shakes his head and gets into position.

“Yamaguchi, do you want to bump or spike first?”  
“Um, I don’t really mind?” He also gets into position, fixing his kneepads just in case he has to dive.

“I’ll spike then.” 

Kei can use this to his advantage. He hates receiving. It’s one of his weakness on the court. If he could just get past this practice without being more pissed off, it’ll be a good day.

Kei throws the ball in the air and Yamaguchi receives it.

‘It’s not a perfect receive, but I can’t talk shit.’

Kei slams the ball, a satisfying sound ringing throughout the whole gym. Yamaguchi dives for the ball, but misses.

“Damn…” Yamaguchi mutters, yet loud enough that Kei could hear.

Kei feels his face flush at that, and he turns his head away.

“Sorry about that, I’ll go grab the ball.”

 

After practice, Kei slips on his outside shoes and continues to walk home.

That ‘Yamaguchi’ kid is quite interesting. He is quite shy actually. Kei would have thought that their personalities may have been alike, but he was so wrong.

Oh, so wrong.

It felt as if Kei could break him with just one single word. He was fragile, almost like glass. You had to be careful when handling him. Kei couldn’t tease him as much as the other people he may know.

‘But why?’

He’s different. He reminds Kei of his younger self. 

Innocent, pure, almost naïve.

If Kei teased him too much, he would probably feel extremely horrible afterwards. The poor boy would probably tear up if he said something a little too harsh.

‘Damn, already losing that cold bitch personality.’ Kei grins to himself. He definitely needs to remember that when he’s making a joke.

“—cries about everything! You fucking crybaby!”

Kei’s ears perk up from the sudden noise from his walk home. Kei knows he shouldn’t be picking a fight with bullies, but he’s human. He can’t fight human nature. And so, he walks to the loud noises and a soft sniffling of someone.

When he turns the corner, he sees someone being hit with a stick and a loud cry coming from the victim.

“Please! Stop!”

Kei immediately regrets his choice. He wishes he had just gone home like usual so he doesn’t have to experience this bullshit.

Kei finally sees the victim, sitting on the cold floor, protecting his face. He’s shaking harshly, and trying to scoot away from the monsters that were acting him. Although they weren’t monsters, they surely acted like them. Who the fuck would hurt someone just to feel satisfaction?

The victim looks up and Kei feels his throat tighten. It feels as if he hasn’t drunk water in days. 

Yamaguchi was sitting there, blood coming from his lip, screaming for help. How long had this been going on? Will he be okay after this? Why are they even doing his? 

‘Can I somehow help?’

“What’re you looking at, lamp post?” One of the boys taunt, swinging their stick around.

Another boy looks at his friend, and goes to whisper to him. The boy looks to him in disgust and whispers something back harshly.

Even with doubts running through his head and feeling that he might die any second, Kei manages to keep his back straight. He can feel his knees begging to give out, yet he forces them to stand still. For him.

With trembling hands and feeling tears form in his eyes, Kei looks up and with a glint on his glasses, he gives the bullies the biggest shit-eating grin he can make.

“Pathetic.”

And with that and his doubts, he pushes through them. He picks Yamaguchi up (along with his now dirty backpack) and they walk home together.

Well, most of the way that is. Kei got too embarrassed to walk him all the way home.

So with a soft nod, Kei turned away and made his own walk home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is where I'll post chapter notes!:
> 
> -Yes, Yamaguchi and Tsukishima are NOT childhood friends in this book. Gomen!  
> -Yamaguchi seems 'weak' because of character development. Don't give me shit about him acting like a wimp.  
> -I changed the fight scene to be where they are 1st years since they aren't childhood friends. I made the fight be more 'adultish' than in the anime and manga. Therefore, that is why there is swearing.   
> -Tsukishima did walk Yamaguchi home, but he never stepped inside his house. He just wanted to make sure he was safe.
> 
> If you have any questions, just write them in the comments!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In where Yamaguchi tries to make Kei his friend and Kei denies. Constantly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! I hope everyone is having a good winter season. We finally got snow in Illinois along with sleet. I witnessed my dog slipping on ice and it was hilarious. Just sliding all over the place cx Anyway, I hope you all enjoy this chapter!

“THANK YOU, TSUKISHIMA!”

The lunch period started, and most classmates would head to different desks to eat lunch with their friends. Some would even go and do some club work. Yet, this was not Kei.

Kei would move to a window seat (since he sat directly near the door in the back). He would stare out and watch the cherry blossoms. Sometimes he would imagine what school would be like if Kuroo was there.

Would they be sitting together? Would Kuroo be taking his glasses and putting them on himself? What would Kuroo have for lunch that day instead of crackers and water that he pukes out moments later? Would he even be by him? Or would he be seducing another classmate?

Slipping on his headphones, he folded his hands together so that his fingers fit the missing slots of each hand. He rested his head on these fingers. Only sounds of the calm nature and soft piano filled his ears. He mainly couldn’t hear anything since the headphones fit so snuggly on his head, but he still wanted to believe that it was the sounds.

Kei was brought back from his world when a boy stood in front of him bowing. The whole class turned to them, and Kei’s eyes widened in horror.

“W-What? Sit down you idiot!” Kei sputtered, and he slipped off his headphones. He even stopped his music to see who this person was. 

While they were pulling out a chair, Kei noticed freckles were sprinkled around his face. His face morphed into horror as he realized who it was.

“Yamaguchi? What was with that sudden yelling?” Kei questioned, noticing most people have looked away from the two.

“U-Uhm, well I never intended for my shout to be so loud. I wanted to be a bit quieter, but I guess I got nervous at the last second? I’m sorry Tsukishima! But what I originally wanted to say is thank you for saving me yesterday…”

Kei nods at this, and rests his head on his fingers once more. Kei doesn’t make a comment since he really doesn’t know how to react. How would you react if someone just yelled ‘thank you’ in front of the whole class.

“Anything else?”

“Well, uhm, if it isn’t too much to ask, m-may I sit with you?”

That truly got Kei’s attention. While Yamaguchi was talking he mainly focused on the outside world. But now that Yamaguchi asked to sit with him, he’s absolutely flabbergasted.

“Absolutely not.”

Kei’s alarm in his head goes on, and his brain thinks of so many things in a matter of seconds.

‘Why did you say that Kei? Are you a fucking idiot? This kid was just trying to be nice to you but you refuse his kindness? You really are a cold hearted bitch. I’m sorry Yamaguchi, please sit next to me. I’m just an asshole who can’t control his mouth.’

“O-Oh, okay! Once again, t-thank you.” Yamaguchi stands up immediately and pushes in his chair. He rushes out of the classroom, probably to find Hinata or Kageyama. 

Kei internally groans and slides his headphones back on. He honestly didn’t mean it. His mouth spoke before his head could think anything. Kei just prays that Yamaguchi won’t hate him. He really doesn’t need another person on his mind. He already has Kuroo to think about.

The lunch bell rings, and everyone rushes back to their seat.

Kei ignores the world like he always had, and continues on the cycle of life.

 

“I’m home.” Kei calls out to the possibly empty home. Akiteru should be home, but Kei isn’t entirely sure.

Plus, if he is home, Kei doesn’t want to interact with him. Kei’s relationship with him is horrible, to say the least. There is never a day passed where they didn’t fight.

“Welcome home, Kei.” His mother replies. “How was school?”

“Fine.”

And with that, Kei heads upstairs. 

Okay, maybe he had been lying about just his relationship with Akiteru. It’s with everyone in his goddamn house. There is tension between everyone, and Kei hates it. His parents just say, ‘Kei is going through his teenage years, you know, they act rebellious’ and Kei always disagrees with that statement. Strongly. Sometimes Akiteru would defend him, which he was grateful for, always. Well, probably most of the time is a better statement.

It usually ends up with him storming off, and slamming the door. He’s surprised he hasn’t torn up the screws yet. 

Kei puts his backpack near his door, and he lies down on his bed. He stares up at the ceiling, looking at the old dinosaur stickers stuck on from when he was younger. Kei realizes his forgot his headphones in his backpack, so he decides against it. Kei just feels so… destroyed. He doesn’t feel like doing anything except sleeping.

Kei turns to his side, and takes of his glasses. He closes his eyes in hope he’ll get some sleep.

 

“Kei, dinner is ready.”

Kei startles awake, and he turns to the doorframe. His brother is leaning against it, giving him a small smile.

“Hm, it isn’t like you to go straight to bed when you arrive home.” Akiteru smiles, and he waves his hand forward. “Come on, let’s go.”

Kei bites back the urge to say something snarky.

‘A lot of things have changed since nobody cares to look out for me’ is what Kei wants to fight back with, but Akiteru would probably just laugh it off. 

“Okay, I’ll come in a few minutes.”

Akiteru closes the door and Kei immediately flips the bird at his door. He grabs his glasses and fixes his bed head. 

When Kei arrives downstairs, he could already feel how awkward tonight will be.

Kei sits down at his spot at the table, and he blocks out his family, taking the occasional bite out of his rice. 

Kei doesn’t realize his dad is calling out to him until he hears a loud slam on the dinner table.

“Kei, are you fucking listening to me?”

His mother immediately shushes her husband, glaring at him. “Don’t yell at the table.”

Kei still doesn’t respond.

“I swear, if he doesn’t clean up his act…” His dad murmurs. Kei could already hear Akiteru try to defend him. He could practically hear the fights between his mom and dad this night.

Kei stands up from his chair and excuses himself.

He doesn’t come out for the rest of the night.

 

The lunch bells ring once more, and Kei moves to his window seat once more. He does the same practiced routine he’s done ever since… well, he’s not sure when he started acting like this. Maybe this Hell of a ride started when he was in middle school. All that Kei knows is that he should really get out of this fucking loop.

He slips on his headphones, and pulls out his iPod. This time it’s the sound of waves hitting the shore. It’s comforting and familiar. He should definitely download more sound files like this.

“Tsukishima! I-I am going to sit by y-you!”

Kei lifts his head to see the familiar freckled boy, aka Yamaguchi.

“Why? I don’t want you here.”

Kei almost winced at how cold his voice must’ve sounded, seeing the boy take a step back. Yamaguchi rubs his arm nervously.

“Well, I want to be your f-friend!”

Kei shakes his head. He can’t bring someone down with his own burdens. The only person who he can do that to is Kuroo.

‘Wait no, I can’t do that to Kuroo. He already has a bunch of bullshit on his plate. I could never do that to Kuroo. I’ll just take the weight of my own burden.’

“No. Bye now.”

Yamaguchi grumbles, and stands there a few seconds before departing.

The next few days are like this. Yamaguchi would stop near Kei’s desk. Kei would notice him and try to shoo him away. It always worked.

But, with enough persistence, he finally sat near Kei.

It would take Yamaguchi a few days to figure out what Kei’s favorite dessert was. It would take him a couple of days to make the cake just right (plus he had to find out what kind of icing he liked the best). He would take him two days to work up the courage to give him the cake. Then he accidently dropped the cake on the way to school. Another day of preparations and Yamaguchi finally gave the damn cake to Kei.

Kei was absolutely shocked, but with a soft glare, he turned away and said thank you.

The two ate strawberry shortcake for lunch that day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is where I'll write chapter notes!
> 
> -The phrase at the beginning those when Kei sees Yamaguchi bowing before him.  
> -In Japan, students have lunch either in there classroom or lunchroom. I felt Kei would have liked the classroom since it's more quiet (plus he could hear his music/sounds of nature better).  
> -I feel like Kuroo could be quite a womanizer, therefore that's why I said "seducing other classmates"  
> -Cold-hearted bitch-ass Tsukishima is my life source. Expect it a lot.  
> -Kei walks away from the argument with his dad since he's done it so many times. There isn't any point fighting anymore.  
> -Yes, Kei let Yamacutie (or Yummyguchi) sit by him.
> 
> -It took two weeks for them to sit together.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In where there is more awkwardness between Kuroo and Kei. Also he makes another friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit, I have risen from the dead. Hello everyone! I hope you all are doing well. I haven't updated in so long because school literally fucked me over with work. I also had a lack of inspiration which was strange (my blood FLOWS with inspiration and motivation). Please enjoy this chapter. I know it isn't that good but I'm slowly getting to the point where things start to get insane. Please hold on for a little longer :^)))

Kei sits in the chair, adjacent to the bed. He’s visiting Kuroo once more, but everything feels awkward. It may just because of their last meeting, but it may just be because of Kei walking in with Kuroo puking his guts out.

“So, how was your day? Mine has been quite shitty.” Kuroo chuckles, wiping his mouth a tissue.

Kei shrugs, leaning back in his chair. “I made what you would call a ‘friend.’”

“Ohoho? Really now? And what’s their name?”

“Yamaguchi Tadashi. He’s tall, but not as tall as me. He has a lot of freckles also.”

Kuroo grins at him, giving him this weird stare. He reaches over to punch him, but he harshly coughs.

“H-Holy fuck.” Kuroo chokes out, and reaches over to take a sip of water from his mug.

‘His body is starting to become weak… No Kei, stop thinking about that. He WILL be fine. You know this. Stop filling your head up with these thoughts. You’re acting pathetic. Kuroo is fine and he will go to his dream university after this year. Right? Right.’

“What I was going to say… Is he cute?” Kuroo smirks.

Now Kei is choking.

On air.

“Oh my God-NO! I don’t like anyone!” Kei gasps out, giving him an astounded look. He was not expecting Kuroo to say anything of the short.

“Sure you don’t. You’re the gayest kid I’ve ever met.”  
Kei was now irritated. Kei was not gay. Never in a million years. Even if he was gay, his case of romantic interests would be so over the place, he would be under a different category. 

“You shouldn’t be talking; I always see you sucking face with some guy or girl.”

Kuroo’s face flushes with embarrassment. “Shut up, Tsukki.”

Kei laughs, and they talk about Star Wars and Jurassic World for the rest of the night.

 

Kei jumps up from seat when he hears the familiar voice ring out from behind him.

“TSUKISHIMA!”

The freckled boy slams his bento right in front of Kei. He huffs heavily as he pulls a seat out from a chair.

“Was that necessary?”

“You never listen to me when I use my normal tone of voice.”

Kei immediately shuts his mouth at this. He looks around awkwardly before bringing out his own lunch. He quickly says ‘thank you’ and opens up his lunch. Kei nods to whatever the fuck Yamaguchi is saying, not entirely paying attention. 

“—so then I visited Yachi. She seems to be doing well.”

“Remind me who Yachi is again?”

“Yachi is my best friend. One of her kidneys failed, so she’s in the hospital at the moment. She was actually going to move here until her condition got worse.”

Kei nods, understanding what Yamaguchi is saying. This is probably the first time Kei can sympathize with Yamaguchi since he understands what he’s going through. 

“I feel like you two would be really good friends… Do you want to meet her?”

“Meet someone I know nothing about? Hell no.”

“Come on, you need more friends.”

Kei feels an arrow pierce through his heart. One reason is because Yamaguchi just called him a loser and another is that now they are friends? Kei was NOT ready for this quick switch of just being acquaintances to friends. Since when have they become friends? Kei doesn’t care, he’s still going to call Yamaguchi an acquaintance. 

“I am completely fine with how many friends I have.” 

“You can never have too many friends!”

“Actually—“

Yamaguchi groans and throws his hands up.

“I give up. You’re so stubborn.”

“Damn right I am.”

Yamaguchi puffs out his cheeks looking completely adorable (wait—did I just call Yamaguchi cute?). Yamaguchi starts to sulk and he looks down. Kei’s face flushes with heat, and he turns away.  
Yamaguchi is ‘that’ kind of person. The person that will look all pouty until you finally do what they want. Kei decided that it’s better to not get into a fight and just went along with it.

“Fine.” He grumbles.

“What was that?” Yamaguchi looks up from sulking.

“I said fine. I’ll meet your friend.”

“R-Really? T-Thanks Tsukishima!”

‘Whatever…’

Yamaguchi didn’t catch that small smile on Kei’s face.

 

Kei recognizes everything too well. From the second both of them stepped in, the nurses immediately greeted Kei. He desperately wanted to tell them to ‘leave!’ but he gave them all a smile and asked how they were doing.

Yamaguchi didn’t ask how they knew him.

Kei supposes he is good for one thing. Yamaguchi isn’t nosey and he knows when to shut his mouth.

The two walk down an all-too-familiar hallway and Kei feels like he HAS to see Kuroo. He bites his tongue for thinking about ditching Yamaguchi. Knowing the little bits and pieces of him, he probably told his friend all about Kei. 

They’re both in front of Kuroo’s room and Kei stares at it. A nurse probably told him, ‘Kei just came in! He’ll probably be in there in a few minutes.’ Kei shakes his head at it, and apologizes in his head to Kuroo.

Yamaguchi waits at his friend’s door and opens it up.

Inside is a small girl with blonde hair. She’s fumbling with the remote controller and nearly drops it when she sees both of them.

“S-Sorry! Yamaguchi, I didn’t know you were visiting today. And that you brought a friend!” She shakes her head in disappointment at Yamaguchi, and turns to Kei.

“You must be Tsukishima. Yamaguchi was telling me all about his ‘new friend!’ My name is Yachi Hitoka, nice to meet you!”

Bingo.

Yamaguchi’s mouth drops open in shock. “Really Yachi?” Yamaguchi grumbles, pulling two chairs closer to Yachi. “I was not.”

Kei takes a seat in one of the chairs, and Yachi immediately bombs him with questions.

“How did you meet Yamaguchi? How is he in class? Did he join the volleyball team like he said he would?”

“Well, we met during volleyball practice so that answers two questions. He does fine in class I guess? He’s in Class 4…”

Yachi gushes about how smart Yamaguchi is and Yamaguchi looks like a poor soul who just witnessed their mother saying embarrassing things to her friends. 

This goes on for a few minutes and somewhere throughout the conversation he loses interest and forgets what they’re talking about.

He can’t help but think about Kuroo, and it makes him worried for no reason. 

Kei can’t help but feel awkward the entire time, glancing to the door whenever a nurse strolls by.

‘Please Kuroo, wait for me. I’m sorry.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is where I'll put chapter notes!:
> 
> -Will explain more about Tsukishima's sexuality in a few chapters!  
> -Kuroo is a sly ass dog ngl bYe  
> -I will always include sassy yams. sassy yams gives me life.  
> -I'm so sorry for doing that to Yachi i s2g i love her with all my heart and soul


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In where Kei gets a nickname and the friendship between Kei and Yamaguchi becomes stronger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: *yamaguchi voice* g-gomen readers!
> 
> readers: *tsukishima voice* fuck u author
> 
> yep
> 
> I'm alive. HELLO! School fucked me over so here I am :^)) plus i was having a bit of a writer's blook whoOps
> 
> This chapter has NOT been edited so please tell me if I fucked up anywhere! I hope you enjoy the chapter cx
> 
> WARNING: THERE IS AN ANXIETY ATTACK IN THIS CHAPTER

Kei sat in his classroom, listening to the lecture and writing down the occasional notes. When the bell rung, all the kids let out a sigh of relief out when they heard there was no homework. He immediately knows what is going to happen, so he slides on his headphone before anyone can bother him with the lesson. He taps his finger occasionally, when recognizes how the rain hits the window. He feels relaxed.

“Tsukishima!” He groans because he knows what’s going to happen. It repeats every single day, and it irritates him.

“Business hours are closed, come back—“

Yamaguchi stares at him with wide eyes. “What do you mean? We almost always sit together.”

Kei looks at Yamaguchi, and lowers his head a bit. “Sorry, Yamaguchi. I thought you were someone else.”

Yamaguchi hums in response, taking out his bento before looking at Kei. He’s almost fidgeting, as if he’s looking for the right words to say. He opens his mouth to say something, before shutting it and shaking his head.

“I-Uhm…”

“Spit it out.”

“Uhm… How do I explain this…”

“I don’t know, you’re the one who wants to ask me something.”

“C-Can I give you a n-nickname?”

Kei stares at him, his eyes narrowing with each second passing by. Yamaguchi looks like he’s about to faint, and Kei notices how tight he has been holding onto his chopsticks. Finally, Kei opens his mouth to say something, but like always, it’s snarky.

“What are we, a couple?” Kei teases.

Yamaguchi’s eyes widen in shock, and he desperately shakes his head.

“N-No! T-That’s not what I-I meant! I m-meant that s-saying ‘Tsukishima’ is kind o-of a mouthful. Y-You understand?” He rambles on and on, and Kei shushes him.

“Fine. Let’s hear what you got.”

Kei leans back in his chair. He knows this will be interesting.

“Uhm, well I really don’t have an idea except one…”

“Yes, go on.”

“Uhm, Tsukki?”

Kei feels his whole world stop, and he feels himself flush. His palms get sweaty, and suddenly his voice becomes dry.

He anxiously shoves his glasses a bit up so that they are more balanced on his face.

“It’s, uhm, cute.”

“Is Tsukki embarrassed?”

Kei felt the urge to kick him off his chair, but he simply pinched his nose while Yamaguchi whined.

 

Kei didn’t really notice how much he enjoyed Yamaguchi’s friendship until the next few days. He usually found himself waiting for Yamaguchi at the front of the school gates. He would always rush up when he noticed Kei and say, “Sorry Tsukki!”

He found himself waiting for him at lunch, and he would take off his headphones more quickly and frequently because of him.

He sometimes caught himself slowing down so Yamaguchi to catch up to him with his long strides.

He even realized that he would wait for him in the locker room, even holding some of his stuff.

Maybe be really did make a new friend. 

 

 

Kei had never been shittier in his entire life until now. 

First, he forgot his headphones at home. He faced the whole day with too much noise from his classmates. He was forced to listen to their chattering, laughter, yelling, and everything in between. It was too much for him.

The first period of his day went even shitter. He forgot his project at home, and he was forced to work to sit outside the classroom. He lost an entire lesson of notes, and now a late grade.

If you didn’t think it would get worse, you were wrong.

A girl split juice on him during lunch, and she started crying. Everyone thought he went too far with his teasing, while he was trying to calm her down.   
Yamaguchi didn’t even come down to see him that day, so he was left with the awkwardness of doing nothing. He was worried about him. Yamaguchi would at least pop in to say hi, but he didn’t even say hi. In fact, did Kei even see him that day? He really cannot recall.

The next few periods were fine, until his last.

He was restless, always tapping his finger or pen on the desk. He could everything around him. The low hum of the girl in front of him, the pen writing on a notebook, the clicking of a pen; it was irritating him to no end. He swallowed the lump in his throat, and raised his hand.

“Yes, Tsukishima?”

“May I go to the bathroom?” Kei could feel his eyes watering behind in glasses.

“Turn in your homework before you leave then.” 

Kei fumbled with his binder, opening up to his literature section. He scanned through all the papers, finding none of the papers he needed. He felt a new lump forming, trying to mentally prepare himself from the lecture.

“I don’t have it.” His voice didn’t falter, good.

“Tsukishima, this is the second assignment you didn’t turn in today. You’re usually on top of all your assignments, but you’ve been lacking. Plus, you’ve been giving snarky remarks to everyone today. You’re a good student, but you’re doing horrible today—“

Kei stood up, leaving the classroom.

He rushed to the bathroom, and he could feel the eyes from other students in their classes. 

He slammed open the bathroom door, and he already felt his breathing become shaky. He locked himself in the biggest bathroom, and he slid to the ground. He knows the floor is so unsanitary, but he really couldn’t find it in himself to give two shits.

He grabbed his glasses and slammed them to the floor. He desperately rubbed his eyes, bringing his knees up to his chest. 

He cried.

He yelled.

He swore.

He felt his head start to spin, and he felt sick to his stomach. He couldn’t believe how pathetic he was. He couldn’t fathom how he was acting.

His chest started to hurt when he heard the door open. With sweaty palms, he stood up and gripped the door handle.

“Uhm, whoever is in here crying, c-can I talk to you?” 

Kei recognizes the voice, and he grips the handle unconsciously. 

“Yamaguchi.” Kei breathes out, hearing how broken his voice sounded.

Kei moves the wall again, sitting back down.

“Tsukki?” Yamaguchi’s voice softens, and he walks over to the bathroom where Kei was hiding.

“Please leave.” Kei croaks out, feeling tears form once more.

“No! You need someone right now, and I’m here.”

“Stop trying to help me—“

“Stop trying to reject my friendship, Tsukki!”

Kei stops, and he remains silent.

“Just go away Yamaguchi—WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!”

Yamaguchi was half under the bathroom door when he pulled himself fully through. 

“I’m not giving up. Now, what’s wrong?” Yamaguchi questions, sitting right next to him.

This is when Kei breaks, and he lets go of all his feelings. He talks about Kuroo, his family, school, his anxiety, depression, volleyball, him questioning who he even his.

Yamaguchi simply sits here, nodding in response.

Throughout him letting go of his feelings, he didn’t realize that he started crying again. He shoved his palms in his eyes again, huffing and shaking.

Yamaguchi softly takes him by the shoulder, and he leans Kei down his lap.

Kei accepts the offering, and weeps heavily.

 

 

 

They missed volleyball practice, and the end of the day was filled with Yamaguchi holding Kei, and Kei curling into his side.

 

(Yamaguchi walked Kei home, holding his hand the whole way).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is where I'll write down chapter notes!:
> 
> -:^))))))))) tsukki :^))))))))))))  
> -a mouthful okay yamacutie :^)))))))  
> -Yes, Kei did have an anxiety attack. If you feel the need to add anything, please comment (and i think u can private message on here...? im not very sure).


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kei finds out some interesting news about Kuroo and gives a friendship bracelet to Kuroo's mother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Agh! I'm so sorry about the two weeks without a update! I wasn't sure about how I wanted everything to play out, until now! So, prepare yourselves! Don't forget to wear a seat belt and hug someone after reading this!

Kei rushes through the hospital, dodging nurses and carts rolling by. He felt out of breath a while ago, but he can’t stop running.

He sees his goal ahead of him, and calms his breathing down. He leans up against the wall, breathing in and out. Chewing on the inside of his cheek, he quietly opens up the room.

The smell of disinfectant hits him once again, and he feels like it had only been yesterday since he visited Kuroo the first time. The beeping of the heart rate monitor feels like home, almost like a warm, clean blanket.

Kuroo sits on his bed, staring at Kei.

“Tsukki, why are you so out of breath?”

‘Yamaguchi’ is the first thing that pops up into his head, but words start rushing out of his mouth.

“I ran.”

Kuroo gives a weak chuckle, and harshly coughing before beckoning Kei over. Kei steadily walks over, a wave of anxiety hitting him with each step. He finally sits next to Kuroo, and looks at his hands.

“You probably heard. My body is getting weaker and I soon won’t be able to support myself. I want to give myself my own life. What I wanted to—“

“No.”

“Kei, listen to me—“

“No!”

“God dammit Tsukishima! Listen to me once in your fucking life!” He wheezes, staring Kei directly in his eyes.

Kei stays silent, looking behind his head.

Kuroo gives a sort of choked laugh, and looks down. “Like I was saying, I’m soon getting weaker and I just—“

Kuroo fumbles with his words before holding his hand out. Kei reaches out and slips his hand into his. He tightens his grip and lets out a shaky breath. 

Kei shivers at his touch, and he scolds himself in his head. But a small part in his head agrees with himself.

‘I can’t touch you now because your cold hands remind me that your time is coming soon.’ He thinks bitterly to himself, feeling tears brim his eyes.

“I want to tell you that I’ve always loved you. I never hated you and I’m not that stupid. I know you’re depressed and your family issues. Don’t think that I don’t notice your tear-stained cheeks and bruised wrists. You’re amazing, and always remember that. I want you to be strong and keep your head up high.” He stops for a few seconds, clearing his voice. 

Kei feels his throat go dry, and he feels his world drifting apart.

“Don’t forget about that boy, Tadashi. He will bring you into the light. I hope he takes care of you well, or I’ll hurt him in the afterlife. Get ready or not Kei, but run and don’t look back. Don’t remember me and look on forward with Tadashi.”

Kei was full on crying, and his chest felt heavy.

Kuroo leans up, and takes Kei’s face in his free hand. He caresses the other and stares into his golden eyes. Leaning forward, he plants a kiss on his lips. Kei can feel him trembling all over, so he leans in as well. Kei never expected his first kiss to be wet and salty, but it was perfect. Surrounded in the smell of lemon and Kuroo’s shampoo. 

His lips are hard, but they match well against Kei’s. 

At this moment, he had finally realized he was in love with his best friend.

But it was too late.

‘Goodbye, Kuroo.’

And with that, he disappeared from his fingertips.

‘Run and never look back, for the sake of yourself and those around you.’ 

 

“Thank you for visiting us, Kei.” Kuroo’s mother smiles, handing a cup of hot chocolate to Kei. “I added a bit of whipped cream, you still like it, right? I remember when you were a child, you would get upset if there was too much” She giggles, sitting on the other side of the table.

“Yes, I still like whipped cream. Um, how are you doing with…”

“Ah, I knew you would bring that up. This was Kuroo’s choice. He wanted to be free instead of being stuck in a hospital room for the rest of his young adult life. My husband and I fully support it. He deserves the best.” Kuroo’s mother has a faraway look in her eyes, and she looks down at her lap. 

“He loved you.”

“I know.” Was Kei’s reply, and he set his mug down. Memories of Kuroo kissing Kei were still fresh, and he smiles bitterly at the memory.  
“How long does he have?” Kei whispers, tracing the design on the mug.

“Only three days, he wants to spend his time alone, then he wants to see us on the last day. He’s exploring all of Japan at the moment.”

Kei lets out a chuckle. “Sounds like Kuroo. He always wanted to explore and see new things.”

“Oh right, Kuroo wanted to give you something.” Kuroo’s mother stands up from her seat, and walks over to a drawer. “I know he stuck it in here somewhere… Oh! Here it is.” She rushes back and grabs Kei’s hands. She opens up Kei’s hand, sticking a bracelet in the middle of his palm. She grips tightly onto Kei’s hands, and looks into his eyes.

“He told me to tell you, that your friendship will live on.”

Kei stares at the bracelet in his hand as Kuroo’s mother goes back to sit down.

The bracelet is obviously poorly made, but it spells out ‘best friend’. The paint of the beads is wearing off, and the clasp looks like it has been wore so many times. Kei runs his thumb across the wool string keeping everything in the bracelet form.

Suddenly, everything clicks. Kei remembers making this bracelet for Kuroo. When they were only 10, Kei brought over a bracelet-making-set. 

He feels his throat tighten, and feels tears well his eyes.

‘Why did it have to be Kuroo?’

 

 

“Tetsurou!” A bubbling 10-year-old Kei bursts through the hospital room.

“Kei!” Tetsurou sits up, a smile gracing his face. “What are you doing here? Mama said you would be visiting on Sunday. Wait, is today Sunday?” Tetsurou looks off to the side, thinking about the week.

“No, today is Friday. My mom said I could visit you early!” Kei grins and pulls a chair to the side of Tetsurou’s bed. 

“Whaddya got in your hand?” Tetsurou questions, his fingers making a grabbing motion and Kei sets it carefully on the legs of Tetsurou.

“A bracelet set! We should make each other bracelets!”

“Ohhh! What a good idea!” Tetsurou grins, almost ripping the box to get into its contents. A few beads fall onto the floor, but neither boy cared to pick them up.

Kei grabs a wool string, and starts digging through the beads. “Find one that says ‘B.’”

“Found it!” Tetsurou hands him the bead, and works on his bracelet in private.

“What are you doing?”

“None of your business!” Tetsurou giggles.

“Hmph! Be that way.” Kei grumbles, continuing to work on his bracelet.

“And… Done! Hold out your wrist.” Tetsurou yells, holding his bracelet up in the air. 

Kei holds out his wrist, and Tetsurou puts on a blue bracelet on his wrist. Kei reads the beads, and grimaces in disgust.

“Ew, really Tetsurou? Did you have to write, ‘I love you?’ Now everyone will think I have a crush or something!”

Tetsurou laugh booms throughout the hospital room, and Kei can’t help but join in.

 

 

 

Kei wakes up that night crying. He remembers Kuroo is going to be gone forever, and he can’t help but grip his friendship bracelet tight.

(Kei gives his own bracelet to Kuroo’s mother, and they end up crying for sometime).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is where I'll write chapter notes!
> 
> -Finally, some fucking action lmao. There's where the Kuroo/Tsukishima relationship comes into play.  
> -The '' is a flashback. And the second one is end of flashback.  
> -Tsukishima gave the bracelet Kuroo made for him to his mother.
> 
> Please ask any questions if you didn't understand anything!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In where Kei tells everyone what he has been thinking and darkness surrounds him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !TRIGGER WARNING! I TALK ABOUT DEATH IN THIS CHAPTER. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. (this also applies in the chapter notes)
> 
> Argh, I'm so sorry. I've been meaning to write so much (and this should have been chapter 8). One of my really good friends tried to commit suicide and my head has been in such a loop. I really just don't know what to do and it's so emotionally draining. Also, I'm sorry that this chapter is so short. I feel sick and I'm in lots of pain (fuckin periods). Anyway. enjoy this chapter!

Kei can’t help but feel empty the next few days. He’s been oddly quiet, not making any snide remarks at his team, nor even playing the way he should.

Obviously, everyone has been noticing. The first one to realize was surprisingly Kageyama. He noticed within two days, and this lead onto HInata knowing. It spread like wildfire, soon his classmates even started to pay extra attention to the way he acts.

On Kuroo’s last day, Kei broke.

It was in the middle of practice, and almost every member came up to Kei to ask him, “What’s wrong?” or, “How are you feeling?”

A shrug was the only response.

Daichi even came up to him and questioned him.

“Tsukishima, you aren’t playing like your usual self.”

“My usual self? Since when do I play like I actually care?” Kei throws back, and turns around to go back to practice.

“Well, if you aren’t going to try, get out of the gym!” Daichi booms throughout the gym. Every player stopped what they were doing, and turned to the captain.

“Try? What’s the point—“

“You’re acting like a jackass, Tsukishima! Sorry that you’re on your ‘man period’ almost 24/7 but everyone is sick and done with your shit.” Nishinoya chimes in, looking at Kei with a glare. “Honestly, I don’t understand why—“

“You’ll never understand why!” Kei yells, feeling his face flush with anger. “My best friend is going to die tomorrow, and I just realized I’m fucking in love with him! I don’t even know what-the-fuck my sexuality is, and I just confirmed that I am sure as hell not straight. I had the worst days of my life, having a panic attack almost every hour, and it feels like I’m drowning with every word I take. I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE POINT OF TRYING IS, I SHOULD JUST FUCKING DIE AND NOT BURDEN EVERYONE WITH ME.” 

Kei breathes heavily, feeling so much stress untangle themselves from Kei.

“So please, tell me what the point is, because I really need a reason to live.” 

Daichi had his mouth gaped open in shock, Nishinoya’s eyes widen, Sugawara brought a hand up to his mouth, Hinata was staring blankly (what an idiot), and Kageyama was staring at the ground.

“Just like always, nobody cares.” Tears prickle at his eyes, and he rubs his eyes desperately.

Kei turns around, and bursts out the gym doors. He needed to get away. Anywhere. He didn’t care that he was sweaty and had his gym shoes on outside the gym (which was a mortal sin in the ‘volleyball bible). He was simply done with it all. 

He just wanted to leave from this Hell he called earth.

 

 

“I’m really truly grateful that I met someone like you.” Kei holds Tetsurou’s hand lightly, and smiles bitterly.

Tetsurou was a horrible pale, and his hair seemed to droop instead of being all ‘up and perky’ like.

“Same here.” Tetsurou breathes out, and breathes back in.

Every breath is crucial, and every minute is precious. Everything counts in these last few minutes.  
“I hate that life is like this.” Kei chokes out, wiping away new tears. “Now I’m burdened to carry these memories with a smile. Who would make someone do such a thing?”

Tick.

Tock.

Tick.

Tock.

“If I had the choice, I would live as a pebble, then I could live peacefully. Then again, kids would kick me. But on the other side, I wouldn’t have met you.”

Kei spills out all his thoughts, dreams, fears that ever included Tetsurou to make him feel somewhat peaceful in his last few days. 

“I’m so sorry I didn’t visit you the day I was here.” Kei cries out, gripping onto Tetsurou’s hand hard. “I know I should have! I just didn’t think it through. I regret it so much, and I hate myself for it.”

“Stop crying.” Tetsurou wheezes out, running his thumb across Kei’s hand. “I’ll always be with you, in your heart. This is for the best—for me—this is so I don’t have to be in pain anymore.”

Tick.

Tock.

Tick.

Tock.  
“In another world, we’ll be laughing and holding hands. I would kiss you whenever you were feeling nervous and we would dance around our kitchen listening to an American song. We would be pronouncing it in horrible English but it didn’t matter because I was with you.” Tetsurou takes a few breaths, and continues.

“Then, when Japan would pass the law on same-sex marriages, I would be the first to propose to you.”

Kei howls out in pain, and this makes Tetsurou more determined.

“Think about it this way, in other universes, I would have been fine and we would be hanging out together. This is just another shitty world that you just have to live through. But, in the next world, it’ll be the best.”

“One more kiss, please.” Kei whispers, looking up pathetically at Tetsurou.

“Sorry Kei, you’ll get addicted to something that will be gone and it’s not good to fall in love with something that is over.”

 

 

That night, nobody bothers Kei when he went straight up to his bed. Someone on the team brought his backpack to the house, and inside his head he thanks them.

He doesn’t even touch his headphones that night, but just stares at his ceiling. He chews on his cheek, feeling the iron taste of blood.

“The pain goes on forever.” He whispers, and he turns over. He wonders what everyone on the volleyball is doing. They’re probably having fun with their families, not having a care in the world. They probably forgot about his meltdown during practice. Kei really wonders if there was a reason to live, and he digs his nails into his arms.

‘Tetsurou…’ He thinks.

‘Can I still call out your name? Even if you’re gone? Will you be there like you said? Or was it just a lie?’

Kei shakes his head. Of course it was a lie, everything is a lie.

Pain rips apart Kei, and he cries himself out.

 

 

 

Night fills Kei’s soul, and he’s gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is where I talk about the chapter!
> 
> -Nishinoya isn't an asshole, I know that (as well as Daichi). I felt as if they would play the part of 'yelling at tsukki' the best. Sorry to anyone who loves them.  
> -indirect proposals by kuroo smhHH this dork  
> -pain
> 
> Tsukishima x Kuroo's song for this would be Eine Kleine! Give it a listen.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In where Kei is dark and tries to repair himself with the help of friendship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *is dead* volleyball, school, hell, writing, drama, sinning
> 
> the life of melissa of everyone.
> 
> i hope y'all enjoy this chapter bc it sucks lmfao; i only got half the things i wanted to say in this chapter actually said fml
> 
> ANYWAY ENJOY
> 
> (also, im working on an idol au with all the haikyuu members {BASED OFF OF IDOL ANIME LIKE LOVE LIVE, WAKE UP GIRLS, ETC.} hmu if u wanna help me)

‘I am a hollow body. I have no soul or purpose in life. What were emotions again?’

Staring at the ceiling, Kei tries to blink but winces at the darkness.

‘I am a robot. Nothing more, nothing less.’

…

People try to prompt Kei to get out of house.

His mother, opens up the blinds and tries to joke with him.

But it matters not.

He closes the blinds once she leaves.

He was a robot.

Nothing more, nothing less.

…

Akiteru even tries to get him out of bed.

He offered to play volleyball, basketball, anything. Nothing worked.

Kei, was a robot.

Nothing more, nothing less.  
…

He was forced out of his bed.

He went to the funeral.

Everyone in Kei’s family came.

He was surrounded with sweet pea flowers, poppies, and daisies. Tetsurou looked at peace with the world, and Kei was glad for that. 

The little voice in his head disagreed.

‘He may be at peace but everyone around him is grieving.’

Kei’s mouth is bitter once again. Swiftly, he joins the line to see the coffin (or an attempt to feel something). He realizes he has been crushing the poor primrose in his hand, and he quickly loosens his grip. The boy in front of him appears to be crying, and Kei tries to recall if he had ever met him. His black and white hair bounces around with every step, and he pauses for a long time at the coffin. 

Out of the corner of Kei’s eye, he thinks he mouthed something awfully close to, ‘I love you.’

‘Love always ends.’ The voice screams.

He moves up.

The case is closed, but he can imagine what Tetsurou looks like.

He leaves the primrose there and quickly walks back to his seat, passing the crying boy.

It didn’t matter.

Nothing more, nothing less

…

Kei appreciated the silence in his house. His mother and father decided it would be best to not fight in the house, since he could snap at any time.

Akiteru didn’t even dare to go near him after last incident.

Akiteru tried using force to get Kei out of bed. This resulted in Kei swearing his lungs out, and also a broken mirror. He had tried to hit Akiteru with a book near his bedside table, but missed and shattered a mirror. 

He ran out of bedroom when that happened.

Kei can’t even remember the last time he had seen sunlight.

‘Since his funeral.’ 

Ah yes, a week ago. 

Kei’s body feels empty, and his throat goes dry.

‘He used to be smiling a few weeks ago.’

Gripping hard onto his hand, he doesn’t even realize that someone knocked at his door.

“Uhm, Tsukki?”

Kei’s eyes widen at the familiar voice, and he quickly covers himself up with a blanket. Under the even darker room he made out of his blanket, he speaks.

“Go away, Yamaguchi.”

“Can’t do that Tsukki.”

Kei grits his teeth. “Why the hell not?”

Kei can practically vision Yamaguchi flinching at his words. He even flinches himself. 

‘He didn’t do anything wrong. Why am I being mean to him?’

“W-Well, I-I wanted to see how y-you were doing!”

‘Damn it, I made him scared.’

“Tch. Whatever.”

He removes the blanket from his head (mainly because he can’t breathe and he wanted to make sure the door was locked). Whenever he noticed the door was indeed not locked, he spoke up once again.

“Don’t come in.”

“Okay, Tsukki.”

Kei can hear Yamaguchi slump against the door, and something else falling besides him. Looking over at his alarm clock, he notices volleyball practice was over. But it didn’t matter. What mattered is that Yamaguchi probably came from volleyball practice, and probably didn’t even do his homework.

‘He cares about me that much…’

Yamaguchi soon lists everything that happened the past week.

“We had a math test, and I don’t know what I got on it! I’m so nervous, I could puke.” Sounds like Yamaguchi. “You would probably ace it though.” Would it have mattered though? “Oh yeah! We had practice match with Nekoma!” 

Kei tenses at name of Nekoma. “How was it?” He croaks out.

Yamaguchi seems to become more energetic at Kei talking, so he speaks at incredible rate.

“They were really good! The captain scares me a little. He’s like another Tanaka-senpai!”

Eventually, Yamaguchi falls silent. 

“Yachi is getting moved to a new hospital. I won’t be able to see her for a year.”

Kei hums to tell Yamaguchi he is listening.

“I’m scared, Kei.”

“Why?”

“I’ll be alone.”

No, you won’t.

“We all get a little scared at some point.”

Eventually, Kei hears something fall over and stands up from his bed. It had been two hours since he arrived at his house, so Kei starts thinking of the possibilities.

For one, Yamaguchi could have just been standing up and fell back down. Or his backpack may have even fallen over. Yamaguchi may have even fallen asleep.

Actually, that might be the most likely possibility.

Kei rushes over to the door, opening it slowly. Yamaguchi’s head was resting on his backpack, using it as a pillow. Kei, sighing heavily, decides to bring Yamaguchi into his room. It was quite a difficult task, since he hadn’t been eating properly and going to volleyball practice. 

Throughout half carrying him and half pulling him, Kei notices how… upset Yamaguchi must have been. There were bags under his eyes, and his hair was all tousled.

‘Was he really worrying for me?’

Kei sighs, using the last bit of strength to carry Yamaguchi onto the bed. Yamaguchi curls into the blankets on the bed, and Kei can’t stop himself from smiling.

Sighing softly, Kei touches Yamaguchi’s forehead, brushing a few strands of hair away from his eyes. 

“I’m sorry I made you worry. I probably made you all worry. I know I’m selfish, but let me be selfish one more time? I promise I’ll devote my time to others after this Hell I’m going through. But you’ll help me get through it, right? You always help me, Yamaguchi. I know you don’t hear it enough, so I like you. You’re my friend. I don’t hate you.” Kei whispers.

He spends the next hour softly talking to Yamaguchi, and eventually slips into bed with him.  
(Maybe Yamaguchi was awake for half of it, and was faking his deep sleep. Did it matter? Kind of. I hope he heard it).

Sun starts to show in his soul.

Nothing more, nothing less.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is where I'll write chapter notes!
> 
> -Some info on the flowers!  
> ~ Sweat Pea flowers- Departure, goodbye  
> ~Poppies- eternal sleep  
> ~Daisies- Youth, innocence, purity   
> ~Primrose- Young love
> 
> -Y'all know who that crying boy is :^)) (hint hint nudge nudge)  
> -Yamaguchi and Tsukishima development! y e s


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In where Kei tells himself he will be okay and Kageyama blushes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey boo. 
> 
> IM SO SORRRRRRRRRRRRRY! 
> 
> Volleyball is taking up all my free time. All of it. We got 3rd in a tournament though! But we're having another tournament soon (ugh). Ball is life! Anyway, nothing much to say about this chapter. Bookmarks, kudos, comments, etc. is appreciated! I will literally kiss you if you do any of these things. ;0; Hope you enjoy!

Kei really thought he was going to get better, but he didn’t realize how much of an impact someone could have on a life.

So now, Kei drowns in the dark abyss of all the mistakes he made.

Kuroo, his savior, was also his trigger.

…

Kei promised to himself that he would get better. He even promised to Yamaguchi.

He thought, ‘Maybe if I promise to Yamaguchi, everything will work out.’

You can’t play a trick like that on a kind soul.

Kei went back to school the next week, emotionless as always. The only emotion people saw on him was when he was being mean or mocking.

The teachers were informed about what happened, and Kei could feel their pity stares. He fights against the urge to lash out against them, so he simply bites his tongue from doing so. The teachers said he could leave anytime he wanted, or stay during free periods to get help. Kei thought of this as a way for the teachers not wanting to deal with him. (They probably mock me!)

One nice thing about coming back to school was being near Yamaguchi. He had recently been moved to sit next to Kei, since the teachers really observed him as his only friend (and that goes for both sides). Yamaguchi’s face immediately lit up as soon as he saw Kei, and he waved wildly at him. 

Kei tried to force himself to smile, but his face would budge.

He sat next to Yamaguchi, and got ready for the day.

Same old, nothing new.

…

When the lunch bell rang, Kei heard the unpleasant sound of the sliding doors slam open.

“TSUKISHIMAAAAAA!”

“Hinata-kun, pipe down.” Yamaguchi laughs, putting his hands up almost in a way of alarm.

“Oh yeah!” Hinata clears his throat. “Tsukishimaaaaa!” He whispers excitedly, pulling a chair out and sitting by Kei’s desk.

“Yes, Idiot #1?”

“Ehhhh? Who’s Idiot #2?!”

Yamaguchi looks at Kageyama who just came in through the sliding doors. 

“What the hell Hinata! Why did you run off without me? You damn idiot!”

“Sorry Kageyama—HEY WHO ARE YOU CALLING IDIOT!”

“Guys, calm down.” Yamaguchi speaks up and pulls out a chair for Kageyama. Kageyama grunts in thanks, and stares at Kei. 

“Why are you staring at me? I don’t want to catch your stupid—“

“How are you feeling?”  
‘Well, there goes the light-heartedness of the conversation.’

“What do you mean?” Kei questions, playing with his pencil, erasing marks off his desk.

“You know what I mean, Tsukishima. Don’t play dumb.”

“Play dumb? Look—“

“Stop avoiding the question. How are you? Mentally and physically.”

“Physically? Well, I’m still living. Mentally? I’m fine. Why do you care?”

“Because we’re friends.”

Kei slams his fist on his desk, hiccuping with laughter.

Kageyama blushes a bright red, Hinata is confused out his mind, and Yamaguchi is trying to comfort both Kei and Kageyama. (‘He kind of looks like a mother trying to calm her children.’ Hinata thinks).

“Since when were we friends?” Kei is still laughing. Damn, he really should have recorded the moment.

“You know what? I don’t care. I tried to offer kindness and you rejected it.” Kageyama snaps and stands up in a storm, and walks to the door.

“Hey, Kageyama!” Tsukishima calls out.

“What do you want—“

“I consider you as my friend also.”  
Kageyama returns to the group.

….

“You’re coming to practice?” Yamaguchi stares in amazement after putting on his shirt.

“Yes and no. I just want to observe; I won’t actually be playing. I’m not ready.” Kei says, leaning against the door frame. Volleyball reminds him too much of Tetsurou.

Yamaguchi hums, tying his shoelaces. “Ready, Tsukki?”

“Yeah, let’s go.”

The walk to the gym feels long, even though you could run to it under a minute. 

“You didn’t tell them how I was feeling?” Kei suddenly speaks up, startling Yamaguchi. He squeaks and stops walking for a second.

“Well, I didn’t know how you would have reacted, so I kept my mouth shut.”

Kei stares in amazement. Did Yamaguchi actually think about how Kei would feel? 

Kei chuckles and nudges Yamaguchi. Yamaguchi squeaks again, and stutters out.

“T-Tsukki? A-Are you feeling s-sick?!”

“No, I’m fine. Hey, we’re here.” Kei pushes open the door, and all sound stops.

All eyes turn to Tsukishima, and soon grins erupt from everyone’s faces.  
“TSUKSHIMA! WELCOME BACK YOU DAMN NOODLE!” Tanaka yells, running up to Kei, ruffling his hair after pulling his shirt down to make him his height.

“Thank you, Tanaka-san.” Kei says after fixing his hair.

Soon, a small circle formed aroind Kei. Everyone was giving him bright grins, punching him lightly in the arm. There were only two missing from the group, and soon they came up with an apologetic look on their faces. 

“We’re sorry! Please forgive us!” Daichi and Nishinoya yell, bowing down. The circle becomes deformed, and Kei is standing in front of the two.

Kei feels his face heating up and he turns away. He lets out a breath and mutters a few words. “Stand up. Nobody should be bowing down to me.”

Daichi and Nishinoya stand up, a small smile smile on both their faces.

“Back to practice everyone! Great to have you back, Tsukishima.”

‘It’s overwhelming, but it feels good to be back also.’

…

Kei stumbles into his room, his heart hammering heavily. Tears brim his eyes, and he throws his backpack into a corner. He knew he shouldn’t have come back to school so early. It was so overwhelming being surrounded by so many people, asking so many questions.

Yamaguchi tried to protect him from these people, and he even saw his mask cracking away near the end of the day. Kei looked so worn out, he wouldn’t be surprised if the densest person he knew noticed.

Kei hit his bedroom floor, the sound echoing in the room. He hiccups with sobs, and brings his knees up to his chest. He rocks forward and back, biting his fist to prevent yelps of sadness out.  
“I tried to convince myself I was fine, really. But in the end, I can’t pretend.” Kei cries out.

Same old, nothing new.


End file.
